Friends

Dear God,

I'm getting desperate already :,( I really ask for friends that actually have the same interests. . I really don't want to adjust in a group that I try and do my best to fit in, when I really don't, cause quite frankly, I'm losing my interests just because i keep blending in.

It's different now from before, as people grow up, they find their cliques and groups, somehow i just can't find mine and i tend to succumb into one person in which I've seen, is very unhealthy. Drives me nuts and the other is having a hard time.

Dear God, I do pray for friends, friends who love art, who love anime, who loves to draw, to bake, to read manga, to innovate, one's who actually seriously love staying in coffee shops, who loves to eat cute food, who loves to window shop and actually save up for treasures found. . I want those kind of friends, who's in a group. I'm quite tired of duets, i need trios, quartets, and a choir. I'm the silent type, i love to observe, please I need a group.

Yes, I am desperate. I don't mind if i get to know them thru the net, i don't mind at all anymore. I just need new air to breathe. New faces to see. Old passions to reignite.

Dear God. I'm depending on you. Only you can bring me new friends, only you can bring the right people in my life. I'm tired of trying to fit in. I'm tired of trying to please people just to have friends. I just want to be me, I want to hang out with people like me. Fake smiles I need to trash, I am in desperate need of sincere smiles.

Lovingly yours,

Shii

His Job

Dear God,

My special someone has work now :D and quite frankly I'm adjusting to the lesser time he gives me; its quite sad, but at the same time I am excited as well :D He's working! I'm so proud of him :) thank you so much for giving me an independent person that i could rely on in the near future. :) I don't believe I'm saying this but. . Now i understand why a lot of women out there get jealous of their partner's job :)) haha. but really, its a good thing :D Him working on his job, makes me want to work hard as well on whatever I am doing. Because while he's working, I've got to do something too! and staring at the wall and wasting time is a no no!

God, thank you for letting me feel these things, and letting me experience these things. It makes me happy to know that I have emotions and I am smiling and happy with the person that i care about. Thank you dear God. Thank you for your blessing upon him, and thank you for your awesomeness and sweetness in my life as well.

I love you God :D I really really do. :D Thank you :)

I'm missing him a lot too :3

Love part 2

Dear God,

I take my words back :3 please fill my heart with love :) It's good to have someone to care for <3 It's better to love, rather than not love at all. Thank you for the wisdom and the strength. It's good to have a heart <3

Love

Dear God,

I wonder if people understand how hard it is to be an artist. They are mocked, they are hurt, they are laughed at and yet they strive to stand up on their feet and show the world the beauty you've made.

It's just so hard. So hard to be an emotional artist who lives up her life for You and for her art. Dear God, she's tired. She's tired of all the confusion, of all the drama, of all the mistakes and the false interpretation she has for herself. All she wants at the moment is one thing, and she's slowly ruining it for herself.

God. I like someone, God i want to be with someone, God help me be content. True love waits they say, but what is behind those words? Has anyone said how hard, how tough how insignificant the hardships it shows? God. Am I in love? or am I drowning in my emotions of selfishness and insecurity?

God, if falling in love is this hard, this tough, God please do tell me why you gave me heart. I'm struggling and I don't know what to do anymore. Am I too immature? Am i such a kid that I can't even handle my own emotions? Dear God dear God, why have you made this heart easy to fall?

God i know he is a blessing, but then again, if its not the right time. . what can i simply do? I'm tired dear God. Are relationships meant to be this way? Is the heart pumping hard enough to fight this war she has inside? God. Where are you? :( I'm suffering and i want to enjoy this love you've given; but this heart of hers just couldn't seem to accept the love that is freely given to her. Is this the reason why she can't love back?

God. Why make this heart fall in love at the wrong time? I know its my choice, but somehow, I don't know what I should do. Dear God, he's special to me, but I'm having a hard time :,(. I've been wrong from the start. . . Will the mistakes ever stop? :,( I cry everytime. I dreamed and hoped for a sweet love so innocent and pure, just to know that mine is not as pure as i thought it could be. Can you sense the huge failure inside of me? It's burning in tears and regrets. I'm hurt God. Not because of his doing, but because of my doing. Dear God, can you just take this heart of mine? I think its bleeding in disappointment and regrets. I've finally found someone, but I ruined it from the start. Take this heart dear God, and let it love no more.

Failure

Dear God. .

I'm a failure. .

What do I do now? I failed my dad, my mom, my sister, my brother, my best friend, my mentors, myself, i failed You. I don't know how to get out anymore. I can't find any hope at all. I'll never be okay anymore. I'll never be the person whom you want to be. Now i feel how a sinner feels. I'm a total sinner. God. . If this is your test for me. . please. . please save me. I have no where else to go. No matter how much people help me i don't do anything. . I know you sent those people to talk to me. . I;m sorry God. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry for ruining another person's life because of my selfishness. God. . I don't deserve to live. I'm a liar in every way. I don't deserve anyone close to me. God, my book of life, is it full of red marks?

I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to go to church anymore. I don't want to even go home anymore. I just want to live somewhere far where i can't be a burden to anyone. I don't want to talk to my family anymore. . I've given them too much pain and burdens already. God. . I want to erase or cut all my pictures in our photos. I want to disappear. I am nothing but a curse or a burden. I don't deserve a best friend. Can i just stay in a place where there are people who are unaccepted in the society? So there'll be one less person that makes other people's lives worst.

I deserve to be in a hospital bed. When i can't touch anybody's life. I'm over this. I give up God. . I don't know what to do. All hands up. Do whatever You want to do to me. . . I'm a complete sinner. . I'm sorry for being a huge disappointment, failure. I'm sorry. . .

shiriel

Friendship

God. . thank you for the great friendship, you've given me. . you do hear whispered prayers. :)

I woke up, excited to spend time with my best friend.

I waited till the time that he actually arrived.

I made him buy cute pails, for us to place our dreams in. :)

Mine is pink and his is green, with matching pens i bought. :)

But before everything else, he decided to take a walk.

A walk around our village, which is something i don't do.

We walked and i loved every minute of it,

Walking like little kids, around our village, late in the afternoon. :)

It was sweet, it was relaxing, it's something i missed doing.

Just walking and stopping from time to time.

Talking about our lives and some other things.

It felt soo good and warm and simple, yet special. :)

When we got back to our house, we sat for awhile,

to play around with the dogs and just rest.

When we were about to write our dreams for our pails,

i received a call, that changed all our plans for the night.

Both of us got sad coz i had to go and leave.

He said it was okay, but i knew it was not.

It was a special day, intended just for us.

It got ruined and blasted our moods down.

When we parted ways, we knew something was wrong.

And yes, something was wrong indeed.

When we got to talk in the evening after i got back,

We both just shot ourselves with painful words and such.

What seemed to be a happy day for both of us,

ended up to be the worst. SO many misunderstanding.

So many judgments and problems.

We ended up with hurting words, as sad way to end the day.

Tears fell down like crazy, drowning on my own thoughts,

the thoughts of depression crumbled in like crazy.

But there is a better tomorrow, that God has promised.

I knew that was glued in my heart, without me thinking about it.

Upon waking up, both thought it was okay,

but both ended in arguments that was a blessing in disguise.

An argument that hurt us both, but strengthened our bond more.

Never expected that its God's way of bringing us together, stronger.

God has not failed me not my best friend at all,

He made our bond stronger and deeper.

There are friendships that deserves a second chance,

a second chance to be better and stronger. :)

I'm just happy that no matter how unstable of an artist I am,

I have a stable best friend who doesn't let go that fast.

No matter how i drive him away, he comes back,

Holding the strength of God with him. :)

Now we're closer that yesterday. More better than before.

We'll be best friends for sure till God desires us to be.

I guess this is how great friendships are build up,

broken into pieces to build a better masterpiece. :)

Letting go of the past and focusing on what we have now.

Changing the norm and being proud to be different.

"Its so easy to doubt people, to not believe in them,

but it takes lots of sacrifices to trust people sincerely"

Me and my best friend might fight a lot like crazy,

but that's only the beginning of the story.

Breaking our outer cores, to reveal the inner ones.

Accepting our differences to make the bond stronger :D

i love you God, and thank you for the gift of friendship :D

A Box of Confetti

Dear God. . Let me tell you about my day. :)

I woke up today, knowing that its a special day, but wasn't expecting it'll be a memorable one. :) Twenty-one is the number. I am actually at a point of my life where birthday celebrations are just a mere normal day to me; unlike when i was a kid when i couldn't wait for my special day to come and be grand. Also, i was at the lowest point of my life and so I didn't mingle as much to people, keeping myself busy, trying to evade people, losing a lot of relationships. And honestly? I wasn't planning anything, i actually just wanted that day to pass, like any normal day. . .but then, i guess, some people just won't allow that. They knew, that deep inside me, I wanted something to happen. :)

I had a long day, hang out with my best friend the whole afternoon with other friends in the mall, then have dinner with my family. After all the blessings and all the love that they lavished on me, i thought my day would end that way. I was tired, all i wanted was my bed and let tomorrow be another day. Everything just ends up quickly anyways. But then. . as i opened my bedroom door to sleep. . again. . i was proved wrong.

Confetti, balloons, a cake, a rose and two people who failed at popping party poppers, was right there, inside me room, with huge smiles packed with sweet intentions. :) I couldn't help but stare at them, i couldn't help but stop thinking for awhile, i couldn't help but smile and just be silent. I was speechless.

I just stared at them both smiling and saying "Thank you." I knew that it wasn't the expression that they expected. I looked a bit lifeless, i looked a bit disappointed and not contented, but deep inside, they don't know what's really happening; so let me tell you, that side of the story. :)

Right there on, as i was staring at them, i couldn't feel a thing, i couldn't react, but words just passed thru my head like crazy. I guess that's what it really means to be speechless, wanting to say lots of things but they're just too many, moving so fast in your brain, that you can't say a thing no more. They touched something deep in me. :)

Imagine, they created a huge party, inside my lil lo' room. They gave it to me, when I was about to end my day. I thought I was going to end my day without a cake and a balloon. . but of course, they didn't let that happen. I really don't know how to express it, but it changed something in me. They slapped the truth across my face that "Real Happiness Lasts a Long Time." I really thought my day would end like any normal day, they proved me wrong, by making it extra special, and memorable. I can't believe these two gave so much effort on my special day, i don't know how i can express my thanks.

Because of this day, I learned how to write again, i couldn't just let this day pass without jolting down what I have learned. I couldn't let this day pass not letting them know what's inside my thoughts, and i could never let this day pass not letting them know how much i appreciate them. :)

Besheeh & Tweeneh. Thank you so much for waking up the joy in my heart again, thank you so much for teaching me how to write again, thank you for showing me that there are really people who cares a lot and would accept me no matter what, thank you for expressing your care and friendship to me in your own simple grand way, thank you for letting me feel that I am not alone, and thank you for letting me see the love of God through you. :)

Tomorrow is not JUST another day, tomorrow is a new day to be happy, to share the joy that is inside of me. Tomorrow won't just be another day like yesterday, tomorrow is full of surprises in its own special way; this is proven true today. :) Today i might be depressed and sad, but you'll never know what tomorrow may bring that would magically erase all of that. Even if you don't have faith that the sun will rise tomorrow, it'll rise no matter what.

Why a box of confetti? It's the simple things that really matters and they're meant to be kept forever. Not just as a memory, but a reminder of what real friendship is all about. :) Don't get me wrong, my day doesn't really end here, you've got to know about the red rose that caused so much trouble and the huge ice cream bowl that melted before it was even touched. ;)

And oh, just wait a little bit more? Coz my days will be full of insights and realizations, just because you gave time to let me feel special on my special day. :) Twenty-one is the number, and God gave me a wonderful beginning for my new year.

God. . Thank you for giving me two wonderful friends, that made me feel special and accepted in one of my lowest point in life. :) I can't thank you enough. :)

Little Miracles

Dear God!

I cannot take it! I have to thank you! You do care about the little things! You do, You do! AND! You do accept that i believe in little miracles and pixie dust an fairy tales! hahaha. :D

First! I won't forget that night that I accidentally bumped our door's car on a metal fence! IT was so loud and my father and mother expected that there'd be a scratch or a dent! Both of them got mad but i prayed secretly at the back, "God, i know you could erase that scratch or dent, please! please do!" Then i imagined you erasing it with pixie dust and glitters. AND YOU DID! WAAAH! i can't believe it! When we got home, my dad looked at thee door! and he was like "It's a miracle that it had no dent nor scratch!" and i was like, "I prayed hard!!" WAAHH.. You're so amazing!

THEN Today!!!! I lost my favorite pen! my unipin .05 pen! i was so frustrated that i traced back my path and yet i didn't find it. I got so frustrated that i gave it up and offered it up to you. I mean whoever picked that up, i hope she/he will use it gratefully. I mean I'd rather bless the person who got it. Then on my second to the last period, i saw a classmate who had the same pen! And I was like, "You know, this morning, i last my pen that looked like that :(..." and she was like, "OH! this is yours!" AHHHHHHH!!! GOD! you're amazing! YOu do care! you do care about the little things that MATTER a lot to me! :D God, you do accept the fact that I can be a child at heart at times. YOu do hear my childish whispers! You do accept the fact that i love those pixie dusts, little miracles and fairy tales! God, you've accepted me for who I am :D I feel sooo loved. :) Thank you so so much :) I can't help but smile. It's the little things that matter indeed :) You've brought back my imagination... It's all because of you. :) Life indeed is a sweet place to live in with you :)

❤

God... YOu do care...:) Thank you :)

Enough.

Dear God,

I'm just never good enough.

Shiriel.